


living in fear

by Ecinue



Series: memory lane [3]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Dadza, Dream and Wilbur got issues, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I make TommyInnit go through it rip, ISSUES ONLY IN FIC THO NOT IRL, PLATONIC ONLY YOU WEIRDOS, Pain, Panic Attacks, Phil needs a pay raise, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Temporary Amnesia, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit Friendship, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Trauma, everyone needs therrapy, im such a genius i forgot to add wilbur's character tag until now r u srs rn, its just tommy struggling bro, its okay i cry during writing, lmao i post weird updates on twitter, tagging is hard oml, there's too many relationships to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecinue/pseuds/Ecinue
Summary: The trauma left behind haunts him and he finds himself clinging to the few people that he knows.
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit & Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Tubbo & Tommyinnit, so many oh my god - Relationship
Series: memory lane [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969003
Comments: 129
Kudos: 1219





	1. Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third fic of my Memory Lane series. It is recommended that you read the first two fics before reading this one to grasp an idea of what's going on!
> 
> Disclaimer: Please be aware that everything I write is fictional and by no means supposed to allude to what should really happen. I have no intention of making these creators uncomfortable and if any of the people mentioned here blatantly state that they are uncomfortable with this, I will immediately remove this work. This fic is referring to their internet characters, such as portrayed in the Dream SMP, not their IRL selves. I also do not ship anyone and will not be writing ship fics, especially if the CC has stated that they are uncomfortable with it. Again, remember that this is all fictional, and if anyone mentioned expresses their discomfort, I will gladly remove this work.

_He couldn't see anything in front of him. All he knew was that he had to be brave, to hide any sign of weakness. Emotions are weaknesses and he cannot reveal anything. Fear is dancing in his chest but he cannot cower now; he has to stand strong. He has to be courageous for his nation, his allies, his friends. He cannot fall._

_There's a flag burning. Tommy stares up at the flag, watching as the bright embers eat away at the cloth. He doesn't recognize the flag but the colors are eerily familiar. It waves in the wind and there's a sinking feeling in his chest. There's a figure standing at the bottom of the flagpole, holding a flint and steel as their fox ears twitch nervously._

**_"NO!"_ **

_Someone's screaming. He thinks that the voice is rather familiar and hearing it filled with so much anguish made his heart hurt. Tommy reaches up to his own face and he's surprised to feel something wet._

_Why was he crying?_

_There's a dark room, its confines closing in on him. Tommy gasps, finding it difficult to breathe suddenly. Something is not right. There's a glint of glowing eyes, hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. Someone says something, confused. There's a deep chuckle._

**_"It was never meant to be."_ **

_Then...screaming. Tommy's shouting and screeching and he doesn't quite know why. He's lunging for someone, a man with a beanie, and trying to haul the man out of the room. They meet up with two others in a small bunker and then...it all fades to black.\_

_There's someone screaming again and a million crossbows pointed in his face. Someone's dragging him alone, tugging him through the forests. He doesn't know where he's going but he knows that he has to get away from here. Ram horns glint and fear spikes and he's sprinting across the field, weaving through people and hiding in the shadows of buildings._

**_"Tommy, run."_ **

_He's crying again, straight up sobbing this time. Someone's walking away from him and he's alone in his ravine. He blinks through his tears and he's on a field, fire everywhere, and explosion sounds ringing through the air. He tries to move and he can't. There's an explosion and then pain blossoms in his side. His vision goes white and he's screaming._

**_"Let's burn it all."_ **

_He wakes up in the ravine, shaking and terrified. He's alone now, permanently alone. He's scared. What should he do? He doesn't know. He's alone now, right? There are new scars and as he swings his legs over the side of his respawn bed, his vision goes white again and pain explodes in his body. He's screaming again but no one's here to listen. He's completely alone._

_He's standing on a boardwalk. Fear consumes him and he's shaking yet again. He wants to run but he can't. His body won't listen to him and it's frozen. He wants to run but he can't. His body won't listen to him and it's frozen. Slowly, he turns around, involuntarily lifting a crossbow. There's a man across from him, wearing a mask with the expression of a smiley face. The mask mocks him, the eerie grin taunting him and filling him with dread._

**_"10 paces...fire!"_ **

_He shoots his shot. He misses. The arrow flies into the wood of the boardwalk. The man shoots his shot. He misses. It lands in Tommy's ribs instead of his heart. He steps back a little, slowly lifting a hand to his ribs. Someone screams in horror. Someone shouts in triumph. He steps back a little more, lifting a hand to the sky, before allowing himself to fall._

_There's a splash and then..._

_d_

_a_

_r_

_k_

_e_

_s_

_s_

* * *

He wakes up gasping and for a moment, he doesn't recognize where he is. He's in a room, a very familiar room. There are trinkets on shelves, a closet in a corner, a desk in another, and a few swords hung on the wall. He's laying in a bed with very familiar red sheets, beige curtains covering the windows. He blinks and then he remembers.

This is his room.

There's a knock on his door and he startles, nearly banging his arm against his nightstand. Phil's voice filters through, concern laced through it. "Tommy? Can I come in?"

Tommy shivers and nods before realizing that Phil can't see him. "Yeah, you can come in."

Phil entered the room, closing the door softly behind him, and made his way over to Tommy. He opened his arms, asking, and Tommy accepted the embrace, soaking in the warmth of his dad's aura. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"...I...I don't know how to explain it," Tommy whispered. "It's like...glimpses of pain and fear. I don't know how else to explain it."

Phil hugged Tommy to his chest a little tighter, murmuring quietly. "It's going to be okay. I'll be here. Do you want to come to eat breakfast?"

"...okay."

Phil led Tommy out of the bed, out of the room, and toward the kitchen. Right before he entered the kitchen, there was a small commotion sound a door opened, a bunch of people shuffling outside. Then, the door closed, and Tommy looked up at Phil, confused. Phil only shrugged.

Entering the room, Tommy noticed that there were only two people remaining in the room. One of them was the pink-haired male who had covered Tommy with his weird red cape. He had since readorned it, the fabric draped over his shoulders. The other was the brown-haired teenage boy who looked pained to see Tommy.

"You're up," The pink-haired male murmured. Now that Tommy observed him, his hair looked an awful lot like cupcake's frosting. His mask was missing and his blood-red eyes looked tired and sunken in. "Are you hungry?"

Tommy moved closer to Phil, gripping the older male's sleeve. "...a little bit."

The cupcake hair man hummed in response, moving to the kitchen counter. "I'll make some pancakes. You can sit at the table and wait."

"Techno, no!" Phil cried out, ushering Tommy into a chair and whispering a reassurance in his ear before rushing to the cupcake man's side. "You're going to burn the house down!"

"No, I won't!" The other argued back. "I can cook perfectly fine!"

"All you can cook are potatoes!"

"That's still cooking!"

Looking away, Tommy met eyes with the brown-haired boy who seemed to be staring at him. The boy, upon noticing that he had been caught, smiled and waved sheepishly. "Hey, Tommy."

"Hello...do I know you?"

"Yup!" The boy responded. "My name is Toby! You usually call me Tubbo though. Wanna hang out after breakfast?"

Tommy hesitated for a moment. He didn't know the boy but...

**Safe.**

**Precious.**

**Safe.**

**Protect.**

**Safe.**

**Warm.**

**Safe.**

**T u b b o.**

His instincts haven't let him down yet. Tommy nodded, albeit hesitantly. ~~The boy~~ Tubbo brightened up, his positivity illuminating the room. "Great! Do you like animals? We can go check on the barn later if you want!"

Tommy blinked in confusion before dipping his head in another nod. "I like cows. I think I used to have one named...Henry?"

"Oh yeah, I remember Henry! I like bees though, they're better."

"Cows are cooler."

"No, bees!"

From the other side of the kitchen, Phil and Techno faked a conversation with quiet voices, observing the two teens with soft smiles. Even if Tommy's mind didn't remember, his soul remembered clear as day who his best friend was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back with the third fic!!! Woo-hoo! *cheers*
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this pain :DDD
> 
> Unlike the first two, this fic and the next two will have multiple chapters but it won't be a lot. The max (if it ever reaches that high) will be ten chapters but I doubt it'll actually reach 10 chapters lmao. My focus isn't that high. This fic will probably have like....5-6? Depends on how traumatized I'm gon make Toom~


	2. Defense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck off before I have to make you."
> 
> Tommy froze and everything faded.

"You're really short, did you know that?"

"Shut up, Tommy."

After breakfast, the two teens had piled into the library, one of the only places where there were peace and quiet in this rambunctious household. Within a good two minutes, Tommy quickly realized that this was a _terrible_ idea considering Tubbo was dyslexic. ( _How had he forgotten?_ ) But, as usual, Tubbo managed to find something good about the shitty situation.

"It's okay, Tommy," The brunette had grinned, holding up an encyclopedia opened up to a page with animal images, "I can still see the pictures even if I can't read."

Now, they hid in a corner of the library, lounging on a couch, thumbing through the pages of the encyclopedia. Tubbo opened it to a page where there was a bee on it. Brightening up, he pointed to it. "See Tommy! Bees are really cool."

"I still think Henry's cooler," Tommy muttered, half sprawled over his friend.

"Well, you're wrong Tommy."

"I'm smarter than you."

"I'm older than you."

"How does that correlate with intelligence?!"

"It just does!"

The two teens glared at each other heatedly before busting out into small giggles.

"You can't keep blaming me for something that you did, Wilbur!"

There was a shout that interrupted the peacefulness between the two and they exchanged glances. Tommy didn't want to go but Tubbo seemed worried so he allowed the shorter boy to drag him out of the library, hurrying outside to see what was going on. Two men were yelling at each other and the sight of them made Tommy's breath hitch in fear but Tubbo reached over to grip his hand, stabilizing him.

"It was your fault, Dream!" The homeless-looking man shouted. "You should've just given us our freedom!"

"That was my nation! You had no right to even lay claim to it!"

"You shot a 16-year-old and cornered him into giving up his most prized possessions for his nation! You scarred him permanently!"

"You hypocrite!" The green blob roared. "You fucking led him into this! You poisoned him and all the others with your shitty ideals and then you go fucking crazy and blow everything up!"

"Me?! I-"

"Guys!" Tubbo interrupted, fretting slightly, holding up his hands, "Can you guys-"

"SHUT UP TUBBO!"

Both men yelled simultaneously, not even looking at the teen who flinched back. Tommy felt a primal sense of rage swirl inside of him, furious that they had dismissed Tubbo like that.

"HEY!" He shouted, catching their attention. "What the fuck's wrong with you guys?! Don't talk to Tubbo like that!"

The homeless man jolted, a nasty sneer working its way onto his face while the green blob tensed with anger. The blob's mask taunted Tommy and he shivered slightly but he didn't relent. "Fucking apologize, you fucking bitches!"

"Oh look, you're siding with _him_ again, Tommy," The homeless man spat. "He'll just leave you in the end."

"This is between me and Wilbur, Tommy," The blob hissed. "Fuck off before I have to make you."

Tommy froze and everything faded.

( _"Tubbo's a traitor, Tommy! Are you going with him?! You're leaving me too!"_

_"Fine, you can have your independence. But cross me again and I'll make sure that the arrow hits its mark next time."_ )

He gasped, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe. He stepped back, reaching up to grip his biceps, nails digging against his skin. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he couldn't _breathe-_

Tubbo. Where was Tubbo?

His head jolted up and his glazed eyes darted around frantically. Where was Tubbo? There were the homeless man and the blob ( ~~both looking very regretful and guilty at that moment~~ ) but where was Tubbo? Tubbo wasn't there. Tubbo left again.

Tommy felt his lips moving but he couldn't hear the words that were formulating. Something was very wrong. Where was Tubbo? Tubbo needed to be safe, he had to protect Tubbo, _he had to get Tubbo away from these two killers-_

"Tommy!"

His unseeing eyes instantly focused and he whipped around, feeling his entire body relax at the sight of Tubbo running towards him, Phil and the cupcake man behind him.

"Tubbo."

Tubbo sprinted over and tackled him in a hug to which Tommy returned, holding the shorter boy to his chest. They were both shaking, Tommy from fear and relief, and Tubbo with sorrow. The cupcake man looked even more tired than earlier and Phil looked slightly angry.

"Tommy, Tubbo, come with me," The cupcake man called. "Let's go inside, away from them."

The duo clasped hands again and Tubbo tugged Tommy up. The cupcake man led them inside and they headed into Tommy's room, curling up together on the bed.

"Tommy?" Tubbo whispered. "Are you back?"

Tommy nodded, shaking slightly. "I...I...I'm scared."

"What happened?"

Tommy debated telling him but this was _Tubbo_. Memories of Tubbo flooded back quicker than memories of anyone else and Tubbo is _safe_ , safer than everyone else (except maybe Phil). Taking a deep breath, Tommy vocalized his thoughts in a whisper.

"I don't know, Tubbo. Every time I'm near them, I get these weird memories," He mutters, gripping Tubbo's hand tightly. "With that homeless beanie guy" ( _Tubbo chokes back a laugh_ ) "I keep feeling this pain in my chest. Like something happened and he had to be important in it but I just...don't remember..."

"...what about the other guy?"

"The green blob with a scary mask?"

Tubbo giggles. "Blob? Sure. The mask isn't scary though."

Tommy shivers. "It is, Tubbo. Unlike the other one, I swear with that guy...I just...I just completely go somewhere else. It's hard to explain...it's like he's pointing a weapon at me and then there's an arrow and pain in my side and I can't see anything except his _stupid mask staring down at me_ and I can hear you screaming and someone shouting and-"

"Tommy, breathe."

Tommy inhales shakily, taking oxygen into his lungs as Tubbo squeezes his hand, grounding him to reality. Wiping away his stray tears, he smiles at Tubbo. "Thanks, man."

"You look kinda ugly," Tubbo commented offhandedly, smirking.

Tommy laughed breathlessly. Then, he paused, eyebrows furrowing slightly. "Tubbo...why didn't you come back for so long?"

Tubbo's smile faded. "I got really sick, Tommy. After the explosions, everyone was injured as hell and we literally used up all our supplies. I don't know everything but apparently, I got so sick that Dream brought me here so that Phil could heal me."

"Oh...who's Dream?"

Tubbo paused before giving him a hesitant smile. "Someone. You have to find that on your own, Tommy. Can you remember anything else?"

Tommy scrunched his face up, trying to remember, but then shook his head. "No. I can only remember some of our moments. If I try to dig deeper into other memories, my head hurts really badly."

"Damn, you're kinda weak, Tommy."

"Shut up, Tubbo."

* * *

Outside the room, Techno smiled to himself. Pushing off from where he was leaning against the wall, he winced as he felt the ache and pain from his body's left side. Making his way outside, he was greeted with the sight of Wilbur and Dream standing there, awkwardly, under Phil's furious glare.

Schlatt and Eret stood off near Wilbur, ready to leap to his aid. ( _How funny, Techno thinks, that these two are here now when they used to be some of Wilbur's most trusted, long before they betrayed him._ ) George and Sapnap stood off near Dream, watching warily for any move that would insinuate a fight. ( _Always the bystanders, Techno notes. Even with his injuries, he's pretty sure he could take them on and win._ )

"Techno, are they alright?" Phil asked quietly.

"Yup," He responded, blood-red eyes sweeping across the small crowd. "They're calming down. Probably going to take another nap. Tommy got some memories back of Tubbo."

Phil cracked a small smile. "Good."

Turning his attention back to the two ( _six, Techno reminds himself, you have to count the bystanders too_ ), every ounce of kindness and warmth seeped out of Phil, leaving behind only a cold and icy aura as he growled.

"You two are going to explain to me exactly _what happened_ and all of you standing here are going to help. We are going to have a **talk**."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Draft Notes:
> 
> Ah, Dadza and Technobro to the rescue. Poor Toom, I'm making him suffer as per usual.
> 
> The first person that Tommy got memories back for is Tubbo! Tubbo's his BFF (literally, I mean have u seen them) and I figured that if Tommy is going to trust someone, it's going to be the one person who stays by his side and shares his interests. Also, it's like a motor memory and reflex for him to try and defend Tubbo from danger.
> 
> Wilbur and Dream definitely FEEL guilty and they know what they did is wrong but...hehe, that'll be addressed much later. This fic isn't focused on the adversaries' guilt, rather, it's focused on the characters who has been traumatized the most.
> 
> Of course, EVERYONE has been traumatized but a lot of them will be addressed in the [Recollection] fic after this.
> 
> That's all I can tell you~~
> 
> Maybe I'll hint at more on Twt? Who knows~
> 
> Notes When Posting:
> 
> Hi there. Did I keep yall waiting? <3 Don't worry, after this, the next chapter will be on Wednesday. Also, this fic is just going to be sad hours all around. The next fic will be a little better and reconciliation happens. Speaking of which, I'll probably change [Recollection] to [Reconcilation]. It's aren't the final name of the fic, just a temporary placeholder.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter for updates. (Shameless self-promo.)


	3. An Outside Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's change up the perspective, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had to rewrite part of this because I forgot a huge aspect of this chapter. Reeeeeeeeee-

Dream and Wilbur both knew that they had fucked up when they said those words to Tommy. Watching from inside the house, Techno had seen the split moment when their expressions shifted from pure rage to regret, guilt, fear, and so much more. He had seen Tubbo run in to fetch himself and Phil, had seen the way Tommy's eyes had glazed over, had seen the way that Tommy curled in on himself, searching for someone that wasn't there at the moment.

Tommy reminded Techno a lot of himself. It hurt.

Now, standing next to his father's side, Techno wonders what would've happened if he had stopped his brother from blowing up that nation. He wonders what would've happened if he hadn't been an anarchist who loved destruction. He wonders what he could've done if he hadn't been killed from protecting Tubbo and respawning a whole world away. ( _He doesn't regret helping Tubbo. The poor kid was dragged into it and Techno was not about to let Tommy's best friend go through the pain of death and respawning._ )

Phil's glare radiates disappointment and rage and the two men fidget uncomfortably under it. Techno thinks that they deserve it. "Tell me what happened, from the start."

“...I invited Wilbur and Tommy into my home, my land, my SMP,” Dream begun, casting a nasty glare towards Wilbur. “Wilbur started smuggling drugs and then convinced some people to start a revolution and it became a whole war.”

Wilbur opened his mouth to interrupt but a side glance from Techno effectively quieted him.

“Eventually, Eret over there struck up a deal with me and betrayed them, exploding them in an underground bunker. We ambushed them, blew up their walls, and Tommy and I had a duel which I _won_.”

Techno mentally noted to punch Dream for sounding so smug.

“Tommy, being the boy he is, didn’t want to lose their independence and traded his beloved discs for his nation. Then, while I was gone having a meaningful life journey, Wilbur here hosts an election, _loses glamorously_ , and gets exiled with Tommy. JSchlatt wins, becomes a dictator, Techno gets summoned, and that’s pretty much it.”

“Did you forget to mention the part where you provided Wilbur with TNT after Wilbur’s paranoia got to him and agreed with his plans to blow up Manberg?” Eret snapped angrily. “Did you forget the part where Techno stood by and watched everything happen? Did you forget the part where you stood by while everyone argued?”

Phil glanced at Techno, raising an eyebrow. Techno shrugged. “I’m not good with emotions, dad. Besides...I’m an anarchist. I might’ve noticed Wilbur’s weirdo behavior but I didn’t know about the explosions till literally moments before. I only had time to protect Tubbo.”

“I see.” Phil sounded tired, much more tired than usual as Dream growled.

“I endorsed Wilbur because I thought that he wouldn’t be blowing up everyone! I thought he’d just blow up Schlatt and-”

C r a c k.

A deafening crack echoed through the air and both Dream and Wilbur howled with pain, clutching their noses. Dream's mask ( _that taunting smile_ ) laid on the ground, having been torn off his face by Techno right before Techno decked the two in the face. The pink-haired man stood there silently, an icy rage laced through his body, a cold fire dancing in his eyes, blood dripping from his knuckles. George and Sapnap cried out, ready to rush forward to defend their friend, but Eret held them back with her hand, shaking his head.

"T-Techno?" Wilbur stuttered in disbelief. His brother pulled out a handkerchief and began to wipe the blood from his knuckles, barely sparing him a single glance.

“ **Enough**.”

Phil’s voice cut through the air, disappointment, and exhaustion dripping off of his tone. He reached a hand up and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “...Techno, don't go punching them recklessly. Do it when I'm not in the mood to join in. I am severely disappointed in all of you, Wilbur and Dream especially.”

Techno shrugged nonchalantly. Dream held his nose, blood dripping, as he reached down for his mask, making sure to hide his face away from the others. Wilbur flinched so hard that Techno thought his brother was going to break his spine.

“Wilbur, I did not expect nor approve of you bringing your brother and other _children_ into war. That is inexcusable. You should’ve told someone of everything you were feeling. I would’ve been open to listening at any time.”

Wilbur seemed to look down, his hair covering his eyes, still holding his broken nose.

“Dream, while I understand that you were merely trying to keep control over your lands, there are much better ways to go about things than permanently traumatizing teenagers and endorsing in acts of cruelty that places everyone in severe harm.”

Dream stiffens and the smell of salt reaches Techno’s nose. Dream’s tearing up behind the mask that he uses to cover his face. Even if the man doesn't know Phil as well as the rest of the Sleepy Bois, Phil's disappointment can make anyone despair.

“Mr. Schlatt, while I do not know you well, I had hoped you would at least have morals to not harm children. Going for your goals is fine but harming children in the process...that is despicable. Also, please refrain from drinking on my property.”

Schlatt jolts and immediately shoves his flask into the side of his suit guiltily, his ears pointed downward.

“Eret, I do not know what could’ve made you betray my sons but I know that you regret it. That does not make it any better, however, considering how badly it has ingrained itself in Tommy’s memory. I hope you get the redemption arc that you have been working hard for.”  
Eret looks away, his shoulders shaking.

“George and Sapnap, while you two are bystanders, you are also members of participation. I wish that one of you would’ve at least grown a pair and stood up to the others. I hope you know what you did and apologize to Tommy and Tubbo and the others in the future.”

The duo glanced at each other in guilt.

Phil sighed again, rolling his shoulders slightly, his white wings popping out. “I’ve sent a message to BadBoyHalo on your SMP, Dream. He’ll take care of things. In the meantime, please do the chores around here. Techno, show them what to do. Make sure you patch them up. There's no need to have blood dripping around the property. I’m going on a flight.”

Techno nodded at his dad and watched as the elder flexed his wings and took off, sorrowful tears gathering in the sides of his eyes. The others wouldn’t meet his eyes and all shuffled around nervously, two of them still clutching their bleeding noses. He sighed, tossing the two a health potion each and moving to grab his hoe, using it to support his stance. “Come on. You guys are going to be helping around with farm duties.”

Instantly, Schlatt and Eret seemed to blanch but Techno only raised a threatening eyebrow at them, and then they both meekly (although unwillingly) complied. Techno glanced over to see Dream and Wilbur both downing the health potions, shuddering as their noses fixed themselves. Wincing again from the pain that raked through his left side, Techno used his hoe to help him walk towards the potato fields. The barn and stables were nearby so he beckoned for the others to follow.

“Techno?” Schlatt called. “Why are you using a cane? You seem older than me.”

“Not everyone was fortunate enough to escape unscathed, Schlatt,” Techno responded. “My left side is still injured even after I respawned. It’s been slowly healing.”

Wilbur flinched again ( _Techno noted that Wilbur was flinching a lot; from guilt or fear, he wasn’t sure_ ).

Stopping in front of his potato fields, Techno points to the barn and stables. “Wilbur, you and Dream are on stable duty. If you fight, I'll make sure to make you into mincemeat. The rest of you are on barn duty. Eret, you’re farming with me. If you have any complaints, I’ll tell dad.”

Wilbur paled significantly at the words of ‘stable duty’ but he obeyed, dragging Dream off in that direction much to the younger’s protests. The other three glanced at each other but obeyed as well, moving towards the barn. Eret stood there awkwardly next to Techno and the latter only offered up another hoe.

“Take off your cape and crown and leave it over there,” Techno instructed, gesturing to a small basket hanging from the fence. “ _You_ are going to be tending to the carrot farm. _I_ am going to watch my potatoes.”

Eret scrambled to obey and Techno turned away, opting to lean against the fence and stare at the sky, allowing his mind to wander for once. Regrets lingered in his mind. Regrets that he went to help them in the war, regret that he allowed himself to stand by whilst Wilbur spiraled, regrets that he didn’t intervene, regrets that he couldn’t protect Tommy, so many damned regrets.

Tommy...his younger brother...his pupil... _his light_.

His poor brother had been absolutely wrecked in the time that he was alone. His blond curls had become like a rat’s nest, tangled, and greasy beyond repair. His muscles were gone, atrophied. His body was thin, malnutritioned, and his skin had sunken in slightly. Scars littered his entire body, especially on his arm, ribs, and back. He had gained so many scars, even on his face...Techno wished that Tommy didn’t have to go through that.

Now, Tommy seemed muted. The once boisterous, outgoing, courageous teen seemed to have been replaced with a timid, cautious, fear-filled young boy. The only thing that hasn’t exactly changed was Tommy’s loyalty to Tubbo and Phil. The thought of Wilbur, Dream, Schlatt, Eret...the thought of all of them betraying Tommy’s trust had Techno’s blood boiling.

It ran cold when Techno realized that Tommy was too alike to himself.

( _He could still remember when he was warring against Squid Kid in Hypixel during the Potato War. He could still remember how he toiled endlessly, rarely stopping for food or drink unless one of his goons reminded him. He could still remember how his hands grew rough and ragged with scars from countless hours of farm work. He could still remember how he fell sick once and lost thousands of potatoes because his goons refused to let him leave his sickbed._

_He could still remember the day when one of his goons betrayed him. If Squid had been just the tiniest bit more careful...Techno might’ve lost the war._ )

A hand rested itself on Techno’s shoulder and he jolted back into reality, swinging his elbow back and nearly breaking Eret’s nose had it not been for the latter’s reflexes.

“Woah!” Eret held up her hands in surrender. “It’s just me Techno.”

Techno blinked for a few seconds before deflating, dropping his arm back to his side. “Sorry.”

Eret fidgeted uncomfortably before holding up a tissue. “Hey, are you okay? You were crying.”

Techno blinked again and reached a hand up to feel tears. Huh. How strange.

He took the tissue, dabbing away at his cheeks. “Sorry about that. I got lost in thought.”

“Are you sure?” Eret asked concernedly. “You seemed devastated by something.”

( _Yes, of course, he was devastated._

_How dare these people take his brave little brother and take him to war and ruin him. How dare they all betray his older brother and push him to the brink of insanity. How dare these people think they have a right to talk to Phil when they ruined his family. How dare these people intrude in his life, his family’s lives, and try to carve a space for themselves to talk to Tommy._ )

He must’ve taken too long to answer because Eret fidgeted again. Clenching and unclenching his fists while willing for the bloodlust to leave, Techno heaved a sigh, pushing off from the fence. He gave Eret a cold stare before turning away.

“Don’t worry about it. I was just going down memory lane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Techno never set his respawn point at Pogtopia, instead, having left his respawn point in their home. My headcanon is that the S.B.I. lives in a cabin/cottage-like house and it's pretty big. Each of the boys has their own rooms, there's even a library (cause Techno likes to read). They also have a guest room (or two?) which is where the others are staying. Largely inspired by "always_an_anxious_mess" who's works are amazing~~
> 
> I like to also headcanon that Tommy takes a lot after each of his brothers (they're all adoptive though) but he's mainly similar to Techno when it comes to PvP, battle, etc. He's basically Techno when Techno's younger.
> 
> But yeah, Techno's not too fond of any of the others and he lets that be known. To be fair, Dream and Wilbur had that coming. Phil, while angry, doesn't exactly resort to violence. He just lectures them. Violence is a big no-no for him since Wilboi is still his son and violence as punishment can make it worse for these war-torn men. Techno, however, has no restrictions so....yeet-
> 
> Technobro also has a lot of trauma but we'll get into that in another fic. Maybe in the reconciliation fic (formerly referred to as the recollection fic). "memory lane" is more focused on Toom than anyone else but we'll explore everyone soon. I'm genuinely excited to write Funny- I mean, Fundy's respective.


	4. "I know."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late-night insomnia leads to unwanted incidents. He can only wonder why this is happening to him.

The night, when he's lying in bed, Tommy finds himself unable to sleep.

His thoughts are going absolutely crazy, senses going into overdrive survival mode. Earlier, when he had showered, the same thing had happened in which he felt terrified. He forgot where he was and all he could focus on was running away from everyone. it had taken Tubbo nearly ten minutes to get him back into reality and it wasn't until Phil came that Tommy found himself able to stop shaking.

Now lying down in bed and staring at the ceiling as his body is racked with shivers and fear, he finds himself unable to do anything except pay attention to every little noise around him. He can hear the voices of the homeless man and someone else arguing quietly in the room below him, their voices drifting up through the floor. He can sense the presence of the weird fox and goat and duck in a room down the hall. His skin prickles and he finds himself on high alert, listening, waiting, watching for any sign of danger.

It shouldn't be this way. He's home now, he's safe now. There was nothing to fear here, nothing to fear when his dad and big brother were here to protect him. There was nothing to fear so why was he terrified? Why could he no longer sleep? The bed feels too big and the ceiling feels too high and Tommy feels so so _alone_.

The sun is long gone and the moon is inching towards its peak in the sky and Tommy still cannot sleep. Months of staying in the ravines make it difficult for him to sleep more than two hours unless he's absolutely exhausted. In addition to all the naps he's been taking, Tommy genuinely cannot sleep.

Thus, he does the most logical thing that he thinks he can do: he gets up and goes to the kitchen to get a drink.

The floor feels cold to his bare feet as he leaves the room, walking downstairs to the kitchen. He feels sluggish yet awake at the same time. He's tired but he can't sleep. He enters the kitchen and moves to the counter to get a glass of water.

"Tommy? Why are you up?"

His blood runs cold and he stiffens, the glass cup in his grip cracking as his hand tightens around it. He whips his head and there's the green blob, his mask grinning eerily at Tommy. Tommy's breath hitches and his senses instantly go haywire, instincts screaming at him to back away. The blob scratches his neck nervously.

"Um...Tommy, look, I'm really sorry about earlier today. I didn't mean to-"

Drawing his arm back, Tommy flings the glass cup at the green blob. Said blob seems to startle and dodges in the nick of time, the glass cup slamming into the wall and shattering onto the ground. He's holding his breath now, slightly crouched and hand darting for one of the kitchen knives.

"Tommy!" The blob calls desperately.

"What's going on?"

A new person enters the fray, a man in a business suit with ram horns and ears protruding from his skull. Tommy watches them both cautiously, hand gripping the kitchen knife as he observes their movements. His heart is pounding like a jackrabbit in his rib cage, fear coursing through his veins. The new man seems surprised and slightly scared to see Tommy.

"Hey, Tommy, we're not here to hurt you," The goat says quietly, holding up his hands in surrender. "We're here peacefully."

Tommy doubts that. The moment that the goat entered the room, his instincts screamed at him to get out of the room, both of the men in front of him emitting dangerous auras. They were not safe and they should be _avoided_.

"Dream," The goat hisses, "We need to get Techno or Phil."

"Obviously," The blob whispers back. "Tommy's evidently not okay right now."

Taking advantage of this opportunity, Tommy dashes past them, slamming the door open and rushing outside. The cool air hits his heated skin and he can finally _breathe_. Those two men are dangerous, too dangerous, and they are not to be trusted. The blob is a hunter, a killer, and he's going to stab Tommy over and over again, arrows piercing through Tommy's ribs. The goat is a conman, a manipulator, and he's going to exile Tommy and isolate him from everyone, watching in glee as Tommy's mind choked him out.

Leaving the two men behind in the kitchen, he can hear them calling for someone in panicked tones but he's running too fast to register what they're saying. All he can focus on is sprinting, running towards those weird fields in his field of vision, fields perfect for losing people in. Adrenaline pumps through his body and he's panting as he nears the fields. He raises his foot, ready to rush onto the field when suddenly-

"Tommy, don't you _dare_."

A voice stops him in his tracks, his foot an inch away from the first crop. Slowly, he lowers it and turns around, knife still in his hand. The cupcake man is standing there, slight irritation in his otherwise stoic expression. The man sighs, running a hand through his mussed up hair. "Tommy. Can you come here?"

Tommy regards him carefully, listening to his instincts. They've calmed down upon seeing the man although his nerves still buzz with anxiety upon smelling the faint scent of metallic blood that seemed to follow the cupcake man. Still, Tommy knows that he cannot take this man on in a fight. Even if the man is wounded, there is a zero percent possibility that Tommy can win this fight-

"Tommy, focus on my voice."

The teen obeys.

"Do you know who I am?"

He shakes his head.

"Will you stay if I tell you who I am and I bring dad?"

Tommy bites his lip but nods. Even though he's hesitant, he has a feeling that this man will not hurt him, and if this man is bringing his dad, there is no way that he will be in danger.

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "I'm Techno. I'm your older brother, Tommy. Just wait here, okay? Phil's coming. Don't worry, dad's coming. Just sit and wait. I'll protect you."

Tommy does just that. He plops down on the ground, ignoring the fact that dirt and dust might get on his pants and he waits. He waits with the strange cupcake man who calls himself Techno. The man doesn't have his red cape with him but he moves closer to Tommy, resting a comforting hand on Tommy's shoulder. In the distance ( _it's not really that far from the house, he notices_ ), a blond man is running towards them.

"Tommy!" He calls.

Tommy blinks and then he remembers. That's his dad. Techno's his brother. They're home because Tommy was missing and then they found him. He couldn't sleep. He tried to get water. He saw...a blob and a goat...he can't remember their names. He doesn't recognize them. He knows they're dangerous.

Phil rushes over and Techno moves aside as Phil wrays the younger teen in a hug, squeezing him tightly to feel safe but not suffocating. "It's okay, Tommy, it's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Tommy blinks again before burying his face into his father's shoulder, sniffling and sobbing, shoulders shaking from his cries. He doesn't know why he's so scared of the men that are around them; he just is. He's terrified and he doesn't know why. There's a weird commotion and he lifts his face to see some of the others ( _the blob, the goat, and the sunglasses royal_ ) standing there, watching, observing. He feels slightly embarrassed but the fear overwhelms the shame. Looking away, he decides to ask his brother the question he's been wanting to ask for a while.

"Why is this happening to me?" Tommy whimpered, staring up at ~~the cupcake man~~ Techno with fear in his eyes. "What's going on?

Everyone else seemed to hold their breath as Techno dropped his gaze to meet his younger brother's. He sighed, wincing as he crouched down, resting a hand on Tommy's head, tangling his fingers through the blond curls.

"Fighting in a war is easy, surviving it is hard," He murmured. "Learning to live and cope with the trauma that accompanies it is the most difficult part."

Tommy sobbed again, a wretched sound that had Phil holding his son tighter. "I don't want this! It hurts! Everything hurts! I'm always scared and I don't even know _why_!"

Techno sighed again, face monotonous as ever whilst his tone dipped in sorrow.

"I know, Tommy. I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, more trauma. Only one chapter left!
> 
> ALSO, THE NEW SAD-IST ANIMATIC? IM SHOOKEITH INTO NEXT YEAR, HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WKHJBFKWBGJKWBGJRWEBGRJWBGR.


	5. Optimistic Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things look brighter.

Tommy works hard to try and remember the people that are staying at his family's home. The others avoid him but Tommy watches them from afar, asking Tubbo for information every-so-often. He slowly discovers their names but he can't ever remember for long, choosing to stick to his nicknames instead.

The duck ( _Quackity, Techno muttered_ ), the bandana and clout goggles duo ( _Sapnap and George, Tubbo whispered_ ), and the fox ( _Fundy, Phil offered_ ) were alright to talk to on good days and avoidable on bad days. Most of them seemed to understand his boundaries, nearing when he smiled and waved, distancing when he froze up and turned away. The duck was funny, very funny to talk to, and sometimes, he would tag along with Tommy and Tubbo on their adventures. The duo was harder to understand, constantly bickering with each other, but Tommy could see they meant well. The fox was the hardest amongst the four, seeming to always hesitate around Tommy until Tommy straight-up told him to grow a spine. Since then, the fox has mellowed out significantly.

The other four couldn't be said for the same.

Tommy could never seem to remember their names, headaches, and panic attacks arriving the moment he tried to retain the information. Hearing this always seemed to make the four tear up and leave the room, something that calmed Tommy down despite the pity and guilt gathering in his gut. He was scared of them but he didn't know why. It was irritating.

At least the sunglasses royal and goat understood boundaries. The goat never spoke to Tommy unless forced to and generally watched from a distance. ( _Distantly, Tommy remembers Phil sternly telling the goat off, confiscating a strange flask._ ) The sunglasses royal definitely wanted to talk to Tommy but he never did, only offering sad smiles and polite words when they could. They were a little more carefree than the others and Tubbo said something about using "more than one set of pronouns". ( _Distantly, Tommy remembers how Techno always stopped the sunglasses royal before the latter could speak with Tommy, shaking his head and leading the latter somewhere else._ )

The blob and the homeless man did not understand boundaries.

The blob would always seem to linger around Tommy, almost as if he wanted to do something but never had the chance to. The duo would always pull the blob away before he could act on his thoughts, something that Tommy was a little grateful for. ( _Distantly, Tommy remembers how he froze up at the sight of that mask, how memories of a whistling arrow and pain in his ribs began to return. Techno comes to rescue him when those happen._ )

The homeless man was just as bad, if not worse. If the blob lingered, the homeless man pestered. He desperately wanted to talk to Tommy, to have a conversation, to apologize. Phil would always tug the man away with quiet, hushed tones, murmuring soft tunes of music. ( _Distantly, Tommy remembers how he scrambled back at the sight of that beanie, memories of an insane man and explosions beginning to return. Tubbo comes to rescue him when those happen._ )

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Tommy is tired.

* * *

"Techno. Hypothetically speaking, were you ever so afraid of someone that you couldn't look them in their eyes?"

Tommy kept his gaze on the ground in front of him, not wanting to see Techno's reaction. They were doing some simple farming and conditioning of the potatoes, but knowing Techno, he refused to let Tommy help with the actual farming and told him to keep watch. As if anyone would want to steal his potatoes.

"Why do you ask?" Techno's voice was monotonous and stoic as per usual, revealing no emotions and thoughts.

"I was just thinking," Tommy murmured, turning his head to watch as Tubbo and Phil chattered near the house, most likely about what they were doing to eat for dinner. "Should I try to approach the others and confront my trauma? I don't want to stay weak forever."

"Trauma doesn't make you weak. It makes you stronger."

"You know what I mean!" Tommy huffed. "I don't want to cower and flinch every time I see them. It makes everything so...complicated."

"I won't stop you if you want to confront those fears," Techno says quietly. "However, you should understand that change doesn't happen overnight. You'll have to go from least to greatest."

"What?"

Techno sighed and Tommy finally looked up to see his older brother lean against the iron hoe, pink hair loose and flowing in the wind. "Tommy. How do you feel about Quackity?"

"Quackity? The duck?"

"Yeah."

Tommy thought for a second. "He's...okay? I don't remember much but from what Tubbo told me, I used to call him Big Q. The visions-"

"Flashbacks."

"-whatever. The _flashbacks_ aren't as bad. He just likes to mention that he has a fat ass."

"Okay," Techno nodded. "How about Dream?"

"Who?"

"The blob."

Tommy stiffened and fell silent.

Techno sighed. "That's what I mean, Tommy. You can't just barge up to that blob and confront him. Your mind won't be able to handle it. You should start with the ones that scare you the least."

"...Niki doesn't scare me," Tommy mumbled.

"You remember Niki?"

"Yeah. I remembered a lot about Niki and some of the others last night when I was talking to Tubbo and eavesdropping on dad's call with her."

"Well, Niki's busy patching up the remnants of the world we brought you back from," Techno replied nonchalantly. "She doesn't give you flashbacks, right?"

"No. I feel safe around her. It's like the same feeling with dad."

"And yet you ran from her the first time you saw her?"

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to recall. "...I think...I think it might've been because the sunglasses weirdo was next to her."

"I see. Well, start with someone who _does_ give you trauma but not enough to make you keel over into the next century."

"Like the duck?"

"Like the duck."

Tommy sighed. "Alright. How should I go about it?"

Techno gave his brother a grimace. "Everyone has different ways, Tommy. You'll have to do this part on your own."

"...I'm scared."

"I know."

"Will you and dad be there?"

"Not Tubbo?"

"Tubbo's going to be there regardless. You two are back up."

"Pft, sure then, kid. If you want, we'll be there."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

* * *

It's August when he wakes up one day and feels as if there's nothing wrong with his life.

He wakes up in his bed and for once, he feels light. Tommy’s surprised, really, to feel that he’s looking forward to the day. It’s strange. He sits up and he looks outside. The sun is barely up and it’s the crack of dawn. Tubbo is next to him, still passed out cold. He smiles to himself and heads to the kitchen, passing the blob on the way downstairs. The blob stiffens and tries to plaster himself to the wall and inch away but Tommy only gives him a shaky smile, ignoring the raging fear.

“Good morning.”

With that, he brushes past the blob and into the kitchen. It takes a moment for his breath to subside back to a steady pace but he manages. He decides to make himself breakfast. He’s not the best at cooking but he manages to conjure some pancakes. Sitting down at the table, he happily eats his breakfast, not noticing how the blob observes him from the hallway, completely astounded.

Deep down, Tommy knows that this peace won’t last. Tomorrow, he’ll wake up and he’ll be scared again. Tomorrow, he’ll be unable to look at these people in the face again. Tomorrow, he’ll be unable to mutter a single word to the blob without screaming with fear. Tomorrow…

Those are tomorrow’s problems. For now, today is alright.

Breakfast goes by quickly and so Tommy moves outside to the barn area. Farmworks calls for an early start and whilst the sun is still trickling its way in the sky, Tommy doesn’t mind heading out to work. He passes the fox, someone who is awake unbelievably early. Tommy smiles at them and waves. “Morning, Fundy.”

“W-What?!” The fox stutters, shocked, but Tommy already moved to the barn.

Entering the barn, Tommy falters for a moment. The sight of the cows makes him long for Henry. Tubbo had said that they had to leave Henry behind in the other world and Tommy could only pray that someone was taking care of the big man. Tubbo had said a lady was taking care of it, a kind lady named Niki who was waiting for them all to come home. Tommy had asked why she didn't come with them and Tubbo said that Niki was the only ray of hope left for the disaster of a nation left behind in the old server. Tommy didn’t push any further than that. His memories of her come back quicker than the other eight.

“Morning, Tommy.”

Tommy glances over to the chicken coop next to the cows to see the duck feeding the chickens, offering a smile to Tommy. “Good morning.”

The duck looked sad at the lack of name reference but turned back to the chickens. “How’d you sleep?”

“Alright, for once!” Tommy grinned. “I didn’t have a single nightmare.”

“That’s good to hear.”

They fall back into an awkward silence and Tommy fidgets nervously. The day is bright and he feels alright but something is telling him that today is essential in his progress to recovery. Today will be the day he _talks_ to someone. ( _Even if he fails, it's okay. Tubbo will help him calm down. Besides, dad is nearby, probably doing a flight scout. Phil's always up around dawn._ )

“Um...you’re Quackity, right?” Tommy asks hesitantly.

The duck brightens and nods. “Yup!”

Tommy takes a deep breath and offers a shaky smile.

“Alright, Big Q. Let’s have a stroll down memory lane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi peeps! So...this is the last chapter of this fic! It's been a little hard to get here but we've done it! *cheers* I hope you've all enjoyed this fic (even if it might not have lived up to some of your expectations TTwTT). The next fic of the series known as the [Reconciliation] fic will be up within ten or so days. It's hard to prewrite it since it's going to be longer and cover a vast amount of perspective in comparison to this fic and the other two. [Remembrance] will be shorter. Maybe. Who knows?~
> 
> Nonetheless, I have compiled some notes for this chapter!
> 
> 1 - In the second paragraph, you will notice that I use different speaking styles for three characters, specifically Techno, Tubbo, and Phil. That is because they speak to Tommy differently. Techno mutters the name to not draw attention, Tubbo whispers it as if it's a secret, and Phil offers the name to help. Shows off their personality.
> 
> 2 - You'll see that I write about Phil and Techno helping out Tommy a lot but keeping the others away but not Tubbo. That's because Tubbo has his own trauma with the others and he either remains glued to Tommy's side or he avoids the others and hides somewhere. It'll be addressed next fic. ;D
> 
> 3 - Techno and Tommy's conversation seems a little OOC in my opinion. I should've written it better but Techno is Tommy's best option on talking about these topics. Techno knows war better than the other members of their family and, despite being emotionally constipated, he is somewhat decent with words (English major 101). Also, Techno's hair was short and at the time of this conversation (around July) has grown back to waist length. His hair grows fast.
> 
> 4 - As experienced as he is, Techno is not a professional therapist or adviser. Please do not follow his advice here. This is fiction.
> 
> 5 - I have no sense of timeline so I'm sorry if things seem to be advancing too quickly. Key Note: it's August and Tommy's been recovering physically for a while. However, mentally, it's still a work in progress. Niki's cleaning up the SMP for their return along with Bad, Skeppy, Punz, etc. Phil forbade the others from leaving his home until the trauma with Tommy was resolved, although they do make weekly visits back to the SMP for other reasons.
> 
> 6 - As I've said before, SBI lives on a farm. Convince me otherwise, I dare you. :DDD

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! Kudos, comments, bookmarks, anything is appreciated greatly! Thank you for reading my fic!
> 
> Feel free to come to yell at me on Twitter!  
> https://twitter.com/ecinue_unicorn   
> Check out my Carrd!~  
> https://ecinue.carrd.co


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